Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
