people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
zippers are such a cool invention
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
