We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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