Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
