there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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