you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
