You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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