when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
