i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
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