Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
