Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
whose parrot is this?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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