it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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