somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
