How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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