Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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