Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Dick very happy bro
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
