I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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