We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
