Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
