If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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