I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
