i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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