Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
