nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
