I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
