If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
