I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
