I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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