Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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