you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
