at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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