How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
