This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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