I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
