The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
