NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Found the puke drawer
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
