i wish my penis had a tongue
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
These tits shall not be calmed
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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