saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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