I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
