If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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