My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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