You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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