I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
