This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
