I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Randomize
