he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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