Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
