This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
