shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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