I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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