God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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