I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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