Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I need to align my fucking chakras
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
