My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
